I know its been a while since i wrote anytin here. I hav just been preoccupied with so many things, and people. Tomorrow, i will be thrusted into a military life in Tekong. I'd like to wish all my friends farewell and a merry christmas. But, wait a tick. I'm not sayin goodbye just yet. You will see my buffed up ass soon enough, maybe even with cash in my pants. (don't expect a treat though. i'm not that nice) So to those comin onto BMTC school 2 soon, seeya round fellas. And to everyone else,
i will see you on the flip side.

ohh...its the beginning of the end. The future seems bleak. Hari Raya in the midst of our A's. By the way, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Happy Devali(Deepavali) and in case i dun c u, Merry Christmas. Oh yah, Happy new Year.
Back to the topic though...damn, i suck. The AO math paper 1 was a killer. I noe wat some of u will be tinkin. "Its only ao math n not c math or sumtin." But it stil was, whether u like it or not. Had a stress reliever after it though. (hehe) Really have to put in 200% for paper 2 and the rest of the A's. Last paper will be on the 24th.
And.. if u did not know...my enlistment date is the 11th of December. Dats rite, sports fans. Out of the frying pan, into the fire. This little munchkin will be serving our shores. Well, i hav to go some time. Finally can earn some grub. "Wait.." u may ask. "Not even one month after A's to enjoy?" I have to give it to you.
Life is looking so fair rite now.

Updates of my life:

1) a few days to the 'A's (i know how many, i'm just denying it)
2) utterly broke (for like a month now)
3) obsessed with an ethereal entity (don't ask)
4) going into Hari Raya with no money (did i say i'm broke?)
and lastly,
5) have only about 7 weeks to enjoy quality time with my loved ones (i'm dooooomed!)

so don't ask me how my life is. The world is turning ok i guess. US elections coming. Down with the Bush-meister. "Go Kerry!Go Kerry!" Don't get me wrong. I do not know if he's any better. I would just love the change. Seriously, call these westerners smart and they go following a guy named Bush. That's all for tonite. Be well.

This pass two years, i've met with a few people that i would like to share with the world. They have both blessed my mind and scorned my heart. Here goes: L.C.King, Strahler, Horton, Shrieve, my buddy Shakes, Othello, Desdemona, Iago, Cassio, Brabantio, Roderigo, Antony, Cleo, Octavius, Lepidus, Octavia, Enobarbus, Charmian, Proculeius, Dolabella, Eros , clown, Thomas, Jude, Sue, Arabella, Phillotson, George, Silas, Eppie, Godfrey, Nancy, Oliver, Marlow, Kate, Hastings, Constance, Tony, Dorothy, Richard, Edith, Newland, Ellen, May, Sillerton, the Archers, the Mingotts, the Van-der-luydens, the Beauforts and their bastards of course, Keynes, the Monetarists, the Government and their macroeconomic objectives, banks and lastly, those profit-hungry private firms. Thank you for making my life such a pleasant one.

Well...what do i say bout yesterday. Happy- freaky- tired. (just like u said) Wait, not just tired. I'm blahdy exhausted. Ok, den. Some people wanted an update of my life. There u have it. Ciao for now. I'll see u in the funny papers.

Had a pleasant walk home tonight. Winds blew the hair off my face. The dust of the road blemished the lenses that give me vision. I pant every step in the warm night, excited to reach my doors. It's a new month after all, the month of Ramadhan. U can practically smell it in the air. I curse at my life with praise in every breath. Who would have guessed a test of patience and passion in the midst of a measure of mind. Yes the 'A's are comin up in 3 weeks. Hari Raya in a month. I can't wait. Wonder what colour baju kurung we'll put on this year? Well..for now, i'll stick my head in books and notes. Farewell, dear friends. May you be well.

Religions, one too many.
Complications bound us all.
Constrictions, they confound me.
Slow our progress to a crawl.
Why do you do that?
Why do you plead?
There's nothing i can do now.
This is what i creed.
Heart is willing.
Mind is weak.
Go ahead.
Call me a freak.
So easy to love.
Yet hard to live by.
You are my Lord's answer.
So cute, you and your sigh.
Of course i want you here.
I will do stupid things.
Who do u want to blame?
The devil made me a jinx.

Friend, your loss is truly uncomprehensible on my part, therefore i cannot truly give you justice. But I bid you not be sad, for it is far too foolish to mourn for someone if he is much happier yonder, far from pain and grief. I can only wish you well and assure that your friends are still close by. Sweet dreams.

Head spinnin. Stomach's bucklin. Eyes go weary. Body goes weak. Trembling fingers on the keyboard. Heart beats s l o w l y and s l o w l y still. Sickness i feel in my gut eternal. Suffering silently, i curse this immortal wound. God, please, help me.

Nothing today. Just a smile. Goodnite world.

My, such a headache of a day. Thought of having a test today. So tried to 'diligently' review my textbk in the college library. My mistake. Not only was i distracted by the noise, which i slowly absolved to ignore, in comes another. The girl whom i've been 'noticing' since last week comes along in her grandeur with a group of her friends, finding a seat cleverly located in my frontal view, facing a different direction of course. So what, u may say? Her unflawed features and short skirt is an everyday affair. What makes it so different today? There lay in her fingers was a piece of lolly which she twirls conveniently between her lips. Okay, i thought. Stop looking. After a few moments, i figured this showing of rebellion to the rules of the library would in fact cause me to get nothing done. Therefore i embraced my view, wih music from my discman flowing into my ears. She feels my gaze on her, frequently casting her eyesaside towards me of which i cleverly disguised my interest in her by looking at the poster in her background. Alas another day wasted. No surprise there.

(read larger words consecutively)
"Happy National Day!"
U may call it patriotism. I call it my boredom screaming. No offence intended but get it over and done with. I've seen it a million times. Sheesh. I tend to try and miss the NDP for own sanity reasons. And yes, do u know what made the day worse. I missed my dose of 'friends'.
DAMN IT

{The street lights pass as a blur, as i ride in my Porsche .8 spider. The winds of night brush my auburn hair into a mess, caressing my skin with moisture. I stare blankly at the empty road ahead. I could still smell her on my white cotton shirt, buttoned down to cool myself down. In fact, i could still see her, lying on her silk red sheets, glistening from head to toe of her sweat, sleeping so silently like a child, exhausted of all energy. They were always like that after. She didn't even tussle in bed when i left. She was special, this one. She looked a little bit like my first love. And yet, i know that in an hour i shall forget her, name and face completely wipes off my memory. It is better this way. The rest too were special in their own way, but still having nothing that would have pushed me to stay.
I tapped the pockets of my coat, feeling every content, making sure everything was there. I always made sure no trace of me had been left behind. It has become much like a routine. Alas, its a new day. Another mindless array of clients to settle at the office. There is that cute young intern to keep me company. But my father taught me never to mix business with pleasure. It is much too messy. I figured i would check out that new club the guys had kept buggin me to go to. I hear tonight's ladies night.}
Player by M. Rushdy

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved"
Maroon 5

The claps echoed on the walls. I could only stare into the darkness, with a smile victorious for what we have accomplished. It seemed like ages that we had practiced from days to nights. I have to say, we had performed beyond our own expectations. Everyone seemed to have risen to the occasion, far more tremendously compared to the weak rehearsals we had gone through. The stage was set, the atmosphere was ready, our faces flushed, guts wrenched hard. Even as I stared blindly, for my blurred vision beheld me from the eyes of many, I felt power. For once in my life, I felt free, to enjoy the fruits of our labour. For once, I was me. And for that I thank you, everyone.

She comes in a dress of yellow, shining even in the light of dawn. Her movement, hurried, as though her life depended on her tardiness. My imagination flashed. Dress equates non-school associations. Ideas cropped up. Job? No. Playing hooky? No. Racial Harmony Day? Could be. I can only gaze as she passes, me unnoticed. She disappears as fast as her arrival. I could only whisper a hello, before ending my one sided greeting with a silent goodbye. My beloved friend, how I wished to again share a short company of u. Alas, a meeting would only stall u from the whirlwinds of your own life. However, the day was young. I spent the next 11 hrs at the theatre, performing passions of the uncouthed. As I walked home, I met a girl, common to me though we've never met. I had seen her many a times before. Awaiting the green man to light the way at the junction, she crosses my path a moment still in the red, as we crossed at the junction, brushing me a whiff of her scent. Artificial though, light chemicals from her shampoo or conditioner, I would never know. None the less, a treat to my tired senses. Its funny that people rush and lose what the simple things in life they had held dear before. By the way, tomorrow's a day to make or break. May god be with us.

Beauty, plagues me with rages
of insanity, putting my innocence in the line of fire, questioning my
identity of religious sanctions but alas, resist u i cannot. The more i
try to look away, the more i'm tested to turn again. She moves, uniform
in motion with her troupe, so intuned with the music u could have sworn
she wasn't a mere mortal. In my mind i crumble, bowing before the
majestic glow of this entity, much more of a goddess. I can only wait
like a stone on my seat to hide my shame of inferiority, drawing my
hands over my head, maintaining my composure. She puts up a smile,
stabbing my soul with agony. Lord, my heart is willing but my mind is
much to weak for this passage to happiness. Another hour of lust,
another day wasted. This is my world. Gd nite cretins. Sleep well.

{ Time, tender like a bruised heart. I sit by the ledge of my apartment balcony, 13 floors up, feet dangling in the night's breeze. Of course i could not feel the cold on my legs. I had never felt anything from my waist down since the accident. I never really grew bothered with everyone who said that it was a miracle i survived and i should be happy to be alive. I had stopped staring back at those who gaze at me with their beady eyes and simple minds when i pass them on my wheel-chair, as though i was a freak in a circus. The thought never crossed my mind to sue the bastard who had done this to me. The man had enough grief from seeing his pregnant wife in that twisted piece of shrapnel of which was his car. Its funny how death can wake up a drunk man to sanity. He did provide compensation though, as what our lawyers had decided upon. Well, actually, they were more my parents' lawyers than mine. I did not try to argue with my folks. Well, here i am, all alone. Girlfriend left me for some national swimmer. Said i was becoming a recluse and pushing her away.
"I lost my fuckin legs, bitch. Can't u understand," the last words i said to her. Well, she deserved better. Beautiful and talented, i wonder why she stuck with me for so long. Was it love, i don't know. But it is no matter now. The paramedics lift my body from the asphalt. Police were in my room, lookin of evidence of foulplay. Imbeciles. Can't even tell a simple suicide if it bit them in the leg. }
Top View by M.Rushdy

{ Thy sky was neon red against the cool air, moist from the torrentials. She appears from the corner, light of step swinging her hand against the wind's embrace. Like Helen, her smile could have begun a war. I sit, unattached from the world, like a stone. Her silhouette was focussed unlike the palette of shadows behind her. Voices around me muted away. I decided to make a move, realising if i did not, there would be no assurance of another opportunity like this. A thought flashed through my mind, wat do i say? If she replied, what could i do?
Bam! I crumble onto the cement. A ball bounces beside my aching head. I crawl onto my feet. "Boy, u alright?" "Yes.Yes." I glanced around. She was gone. A fever shot through my head less of pain but more of anguish. I dropped my body on the bed, feeling the hard springs under the sheets. I pulled my arm from behind my head, caught a familiar smell, stinging, as i faced the crimson stain on my palm. }
Day Dreams by M.Rushdy

"I shed a tear, crimson like my second skin." Matthew Murdock