Dear void,
I am truly lost. No. I fear it is something much worse. Lost is when u become diverted from ur ultimate destination. As for me, i don't even know what my destination is, much less divert from it. It seems my destination, as bleak as it is, is tauntingly drifting further away towards oblivion until i, which i believe i undoubtedly will, snap. I keep walking and walking. The question as to where to, i personally do not have an answer. The past few weeks i've spent alone has been painfully reflective. Penetrating my vessel to my very soul. It's been a while since i wrote anything productive. Tonight is a good time to start again. At least before my coming absence in the next fortnight.
Ur master and ur slave,
Rush.

I walk the streets, emptied of human life. It feels like i have been walking forever. The lights from the street lamps seem to be locked in an eternal battle with the enveloping darkness of night. The lyrics to "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" chime in my head like the bell in those ferries that grow irritatingly by the second while blinking 'Please Disembark' on the screen, which i personally believe that they might as well say 'Fuck Off The Boat' instead. The glass doors to the large stores that should open automatically in daylight just stares ignorantly as i passed in their closed state. I laugh at my self proclaimed unworthiness and keep on walking.
It has been 10 years since I started being a psychiatrist. Only I seem to notice the irony of the state I'm in. Me, a so-called mender of wounded souls, can't solve problems of my own. When i told my boss that i can't counsel any more, he just slapped me on the back, told me to suck it up. "Everyone has problems", he says. He's right about that. But now my eyes have been opened. I realise how man can be prone to inflicting pain to ourselves just to inversely gain a minute of self control over one's own mind and destiny. Now that is power. Those who claim holier-than-thou mock us of our 'weakness' but i've seen the truth. They themselves fear the temptation of giving in to the power. The only weak ones here are those who dare not see it as it is. Like what i've been all these years. But now its changed. I see life not in black and white but in full magnificent colour. I am alive.
She tugged at my sleeve, wakin me up to the dark reality. "Daddy, i'm tired of walkin. Let's go," she says. I picked up and sat her on my shoulder, nodding my head. I guess it is time to go. To where there is never an answer.

Blur by

M. Rushdy

Its been nearly 3 weeks since i stepped into my home, for reasons i shall not explain. As strong as i act, the weeks have drained me dry, physically, emotionally. I was again stuck in limbo. Maybe its this time of the year, when i should be spending as much with my family that has made it worst. My family and i are not conventionally close. But we are always there when we need each other. Now i have a week until i have to leave home again for a fortnight How i will survive, i do not know. None the less, in view of the coming celebrations, i wish u all a happy holiday. May u share more special days with ur loved ones. Treasure them bcos u'll never know how long it can last.

To all, it has recently occurred to me that some readers seemed to have read too much into my entries and hence wildly interpreted them into a much more complicated equation than even i can comprehend. Thus, for today, i will write something of which has no underhand meaning whatsoever.
Today dear void i will like to write about what i am grateful to have found out this year. Firstly, i would like to honour Joss Whedon. For whom this name confounds you, he is the creator of the cult series(yes, i am a cult fan of..) "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". Now, he is a great writer. He compounds drama and humour, not forgetting fights, like a pizza buffet. Thanks to reruns courtesy of StarWorld, i am still a fan, struggling to keep up with episodes of the spin-off "Angel" (Damn army). Joss, I salute u.
Secondly, i have again attained a passion for comic books and fantasy novels. Learning how much i have missed these past months have awakened a passion for the art and genre. A deep realisation of how it has evolved into a much utilised social and political front so close to reality itself.
Lastly, for now, i would like to say how much i have missed my friends. Seriously hangin out with asses the whole day makes u treasure so much of what u had. However tryin to muster the same camaraderie seems such a pain to be worth it. Shamelessly i must add that tragedy had to shove its hand in to help me. (Don't u hate phone messages carrying bad news)
Well, dat is all folks, for now at least. It's not the end of the year yet so i may still have some rude awakenings slowly creeping to laugh at me in the face saying," I told u so...."

My mind is a blank. The more i try to reason, the more questions arise. Why are u doing this? Why are u willing to risk everything? What did we do wrong? Why keep it a secret? Or isit a secret? Are u showing off to your friends how a fool u have made us? Is that it? Is this all a joke to u? U go there with your smug face pretending there's nothing. Poisoning my mind with your lies. Worst of all u don't even put an effort to hide. Do u know how much this is hurting me, hurting us? Not being able to do anything.
This is part of your game isn't it? U sit there taunting us. Challenging us to stand up. Knowing well that we can't...we can't...we can't...we just can't...we...I

Dear void, recent events, which have led me to a life of perpectual nothingness, have provided a rude awakening to my supposedly aching vessel. Til this day and age, i have not amounted to any idea of a possible career which would most probably carry me to my untimely death.
Will i be an office worker stuck in between walls of cubicles in a dead wasteland of paper products and plastics, skin pale due to everyday exposure to fluorescent light. Nah. Or will i be one who thrives in torturing men into their smallest juvenile self in green camo and combat boots. Well...maybe not. As i walk under the void decks, carrying bags of food items, seafood, milk powder, instant coffee, diapers,etc... i wonder if there is a need of a well educated, height challenged, army trained, floor sweeping, window wiping, carpet vacuuming, rice cooking, egg frying, instant noodles boiling, children friendly (maybe not with all the mj fiasco), television addicted, music loving, baby carrying (again maybe not), grocery shopping, healthy and totally helpful young adult with quite a good sense of humour. It will require a monthly payment of $3000 (wait, finish the sentence before u act all surprised) , which may be compensated up to 50% by boarding and regular meals. Hmm...how is dat for service.
But for now, i will relax and enjoy my movie indulged, cpf non-paying life. However, if u want to engage in this introductory offer, do hurry bcos of currently limited stock. Have a nice nite dear void.

Dear great void. I'm in need of help. I woke up today feeling as though the life has been sucked out of me...i mean totally drained. It seems that everyone i know has something going on. Studying, learning to drive, travelling, partying, watever. Me..well, i am FROZEN. I am stuck in the limbo that i believe is of my own doing. Why am i where i am now. Have i always wanted to lead or am i just decaying into the background story that has been expected of me. Even now, i am questioning my own identity. Yes that's it, i am facing an identity crisis. Who am i? A son meant to save his family from imminent destruction? An actor, a liar living in everyone else's dream? Or just a pawn in Fate's twisted little schemes?
Well..C'mon man. Out with it. Who the fuck are u? What the fuck are u? Can't even talk to her? Be a man for goodness sakes. Make up your mind. "Take that first step", remember? That's what u promised yourself. Now..what are u gonna do. WHAT are U gonna do......

Hello there great void....Hope noone's listening in. I watched a movie last week. I went to the cine with no idea what to watch ALL BCOS THE STUPID CENSORSHIP BOARD RATED SIN CITY R(21). Well, c'mon. I don't get it. Nobody's nude in the movie. There is just a lot of vio...i mean action. I waited months to watch that movie. God.
Well, that's not the story of today. I was browsing the movies shown and they were showing 'CRASH'. I didn't really know what it was about. All i know is it had a lot of stars in it. (like sin city) It has the Cheadle guy, Sandra Bullock, Brian Frasier, Ryan Phillippe, the guy from wild things, Ludacris and many others. So i guess that could interest me enough. So i entered the cine with no expectations. And i was completely blown away. It begins with the Cheadle guy saying that because of the people in LA's lack of contact with one another in their own little solitary worlds, they crash into each other in inexplicable means just to feel contact. Hence the title. And then u enter this little world of Los Angeles, blasting the theme of racism as a surface however what i think has a deeper statement to make. What i got from the movie is how truly grey life is. Its plastered across the movie. There is no good guy or bad guy, or at least an obvious one. Both sides have problems to deal with. It's like understandin and rootin for both sides which drives u nuts every step of the movie. I truly gasped and cursed under my breath.
It's also about truth. U noe what they say that the truth will set u free. It's a whole lot of bull. Knowing the truth will only make ur life even more complicated than it already is and give u a choice to take it or not.
So all i have to sum up is watch it. U'll love and hate it and want to talk to someone else about it. Too bad i was alone in the cinema except for one person(no idea of gender) three rows in front. So go. If u've watched every other movies showing now( or u'r sick of seeing tom cruise on screen), watch CRASH. I say, u will be gasping for air. Rather sad really.

Recent events have awoken me from the deep sleep that is the army. What have my friends been up to. Ask yourself. How have u been doin? Honestly.
I truly hope that u all are doin mighty fine. I realise that right now everyone my age is facing some problem or another and it may become difficult. Not so much for the guys who go week by week wondering "what the hell i'm doin here". But we do have little problems in-camp. Not considering the ones out of camp. The thing is there can be no avoiding these problems that everyone is bound to face in their lives. The only way to survive the days is to get through it as quickly as possible. Think the simple things in life that make u smile every other day like book-outs, bonuses, that cup of java u're gonna get later, the niece waiting to greet u home at night, birthdays, that girl u've been watching on the bus every week, etc.
The idea is distraction. Smile every opportunity u get. (not when u're superiors watching though. they'll think u're too free) So go out. Have some fun when u can. Go to the games arcade at lunch time. Aim for the smaller goals that come along the way to bigger ones. Seize that day.......Damn, booking in tonite.

PASSIONS VELVET

Tears run across her cheeks as her blood courses through his veins. She falls in a faint onto the lacquered floor. In the tinted flashes of light, nobody could witness his crime. The masses within The Tempo continued to move to the beats of the music. He walks out of the club without concern, much less guilt of a lost life. She was really just one girl. One of many he has consumed through the ages. Only a body containing the sweet nectar of life for his kind. As he glides through the streets, especially in the snow, not one passerby would notice his nearly porcelain face. Another night passes. Thirst quenched, he decides to return to his haven in the towers that watch over the city.
Around the corner, he sees mere youths dressed in their 'gothic' black attire, claiming the night with their own brand of music, praising their ties with the devil himself. One of them hadsomehow grafted his teeth into fangs, frequently growling to show it off to his companions. He smiles in amusement at their lame attempt of becoming one of his kind. These mortals don't even understand his kind.
Vampires they call them. Creatures of the night that hunt and kill mere men as meals to sustain them. They can only be destroyed by stakes of oak through the heart, cloves of garlic or the sunlight. Rubbish. Plain old stories made up to scare children from playing at night. Thankfully most do not even believe in the 'superstitions'. Makes it easier to lead their lives.

to be continued.......

He lives in two lives, none of which is a lie. He is intertwined in fate's pleasure in seeing mere mortals' hopes perish with indignity. In one he is the wonder, the pride of his kind, suffering the turmoils of the real world, fighting against the future preset for him, written in the blood of his lineage. In the other he battles inner demons within the inner circle, infected through sins of man which threaten the lives of the ones he love the most. Truth and lies both mute and stab his already broken heart. He runs through both these lives with constant aNiMosiTy, praying for a miracle that can break its cycle. No escape. No safe haven. No justice. Just periods in limbo, away from his reponsibilities, in the curious rarity that they come along, can provide him peace. Cutting his veins, he pleads for a saviour only to be answered by a claustrophobic silence. He wonders, maybe what he searches for lies only in the darkness beyond. Maybe.

Ahh..finally booked out from the chalet. I came out on good friday but it was extremely short cos of my confinement. Since my stay at home will also be brief, i don't have much to say. Thus i shall give u a stanza of one of my favourite songs rite now:

Well if u set ur mind upon it
I know dat u can
U've got everything u wanted
U've done everytin u planned
So let me make an offer
I'm only tryin to help
U can make ur load
Just a lil lighter
All u gotta do is share the wealth.

P.s. I had written a short in camp. But i can only publish it here if i can transfer it somehow. I'm lazy to write it down. :D

woah, how long has it been. Thoroughly, the army has changed me. I am healthier, fitter and far more happier. (haha..yeah rite!) I,ve finished my basic training. To all those who haven't...haha, good luck. Honestly, it was not as bad as i thought. Really. Stop sniggering. I'll be gone on monday. Don't know for how long but be assured i'll be back with more stories to tell...not like i had any from our paradise island these past three months. Can't really mention locations and names of our military bases cos that will be a breach of national security. All i can say is dat i'll be spending a lot of time "..in the western part of Singapore."(say it with a particular tune) I'll bid farewell to all my mates from the island, and my instructors. It was a hell of a holiday. I'm sure i'll be seein some of u soon. Very soon. Huhahahaha. Ahem.