To all,

i will be on a 3 week long hiatus. Ok, i can't lie.

I'll b overseas for training. I wish u all a happy new year.

Hope u enjoyed Christmas. Hari Raya Haji and Chinese New Year coming

along quite soon so enjoy the hols. TTFN.

Dear void,
I am truly lost. No. I fear it is something much worse. Lost is when u become diverted from ur ultimate destination. As for me, i don't even know what my destination is, much less divert from it. It seems my destination, as bleak as it is, is tauntingly drifting further away towards oblivion until i, which i believe i undoubtedly will, snap. I keep walking and walking. The question as to where to, i personally do not have an answer. The past few weeks i've spent alone has been painfully reflective. Penetrating my vessel to my very soul. It's been a while since i wrote anything productive. Tonight is a good time to start again. At least before my coming absence in the next fortnight.
Ur master and ur slave,
Rush.

I walk the streets, emptied of human life. It feels like i have been walking forever. The lights from the street lamps seem to be locked in an eternal battle with the enveloping darkness of night. The lyrics to "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" chime in my head like the bell in those ferries that grow irritatingly by the second while blinking 'Please Disembark' on the screen, which i personally believe that they might as well say 'Fuck Off The Boat' instead. The glass doors to the large stores that should open automatically in daylight just stares ignorantly as i passed in their closed state. I laugh at my self proclaimed unworthiness and keep on walking.
It has been 10 years since I started being a psychiatrist. Only I seem to notice the irony of the state I'm in. Me, a so-called mender of wounded souls, can't solve problems of my own. When i told my boss that i can't counsel any more, he just slapped me on the back, told me to suck it up. "Everyone has problems", he says. He's right about that. But now my eyes have been opened. I realise how man can be prone to inflicting pain to ourselves just to inversely gain a minute of self control over one's own mind and destiny. Now that is power. Those who claim holier-than-thou mock us of our 'weakness' but i've seen the truth. They themselves fear the temptation of giving in to the power. The only weak ones here are those who dare not see it as it is. Like what i've been all these years. But now its changed. I see life not in black and white but in full magnificent colour. I am alive.
She tugged at my sleeve, wakin me up to the dark reality. "Daddy, i'm tired of walkin. Let's go," she says. I picked up and sat her on my shoulder, nodding my head. I guess it is time to go. To where there is never an answer.

Blur by

M. Rushdy

Its been nearly 3 weeks since i stepped into my home, for reasons i shall not explain. As strong as i act, the weeks have drained me dry, physically, emotionally. I was again stuck in limbo. Maybe its this time of the year, when i should be spending as much with my family that has made it worst. My family and i are not conventionally close. But we are always there when we need each other. Now i have a week until i have to leave home again for a fortnight How i will survive, i do not know. None the less, in view of the coming celebrations, i wish u all a happy holiday. May u share more special days with ur loved ones. Treasure them bcos u'll never know how long it can last.

To all, it has recently occurred to me that some readers seemed to have read too much into my entries and hence wildly interpreted them into a much more complicated equation than even i can comprehend. Thus, for today, i will write something of which has no underhand meaning whatsoever.
Today dear void i will like to write about what i am grateful to have found out this year. Firstly, i would like to honour Joss Whedon. For whom this name confounds you, he is the creator of the cult series(yes, i am a cult fan of..) "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". Now, he is a great writer. He compounds drama and humour, not forgetting fights, like a pizza buffet. Thanks to reruns courtesy of StarWorld, i am still a fan, struggling to keep up with episodes of the spin-off "Angel" (Damn army). Joss, I salute u.
Secondly, i have again attained a passion for comic books and fantasy novels. Learning how much i have missed these past months have awakened a passion for the art and genre. A deep realisation of how it has evolved into a much utilised social and political front so close to reality itself.
Lastly, for now, i would like to say how much i have missed my friends. Seriously hangin out with asses the whole day makes u treasure so much of what u had. However tryin to muster the same camaraderie seems such a pain to be worth it. Shamelessly i must add that tragedy had to shove its hand in to help me. (Don't u hate phone messages carrying bad news)
Well, dat is all folks, for now at least. It's not the end of the year yet so i may still have some rude awakenings slowly creeping to laugh at me in the face saying," I told u so...."

My mind is a blank. The more i try to reason, the more questions arise. Why are u doing this? Why are u willing to risk everything? What did we do wrong? Why keep it a secret? Or isit a secret? Are u showing off to your friends how a fool u have made us? Is that it? Is this all a joke to u? U go there with your smug face pretending there's nothing. Poisoning my mind with your lies. Worst of all u don't even put an effort to hide. Do u know how much this is hurting me, hurting us? Not being able to do anything.
This is part of your game isn't it? U sit there taunting us. Challenging us to stand up. Knowing well that we can't...we can't...we can't...we just can't...we...I

Dear void, recent events, which have led me to a life of perpectual nothingness, have provided a rude awakening to my supposedly aching vessel. Til this day and age, i have not amounted to any idea of a possible career which would most probably carry me to my untimely death.
Will i be an office worker stuck in between walls of cubicles in a dead wasteland of paper products and plastics, skin pale due to everyday exposure to fluorescent light. Nah. Or will i be one who thrives in torturing men into their smallest juvenile self in green camo and combat boots. Well...maybe not. As i walk under the void decks, carrying bags of food items, seafood, milk powder, instant coffee, diapers,etc... i wonder if there is a need of a well educated, height challenged, army trained, floor sweeping, window wiping, carpet vacuuming, rice cooking, egg frying, instant noodles boiling, children friendly (maybe not with all the mj fiasco), television addicted, music loving, baby carrying (again maybe not), grocery shopping, healthy and totally helpful young adult with quite a good sense of humour. It will require a monthly payment of $3000 (wait, finish the sentence before u act all surprised) , which may be compensated up to 50% by boarding and regular meals. Hmm...how is dat for service.
But for now, i will relax and enjoy my movie indulged, cpf non-paying life. However, if u want to engage in this introductory offer, do hurry bcos of currently limited stock. Have a nice nite dear void.

Dear great void. I'm in need of help. I woke up today feeling as though the life has been sucked out of me...i mean totally drained. It seems that everyone i know has something going on. Studying, learning to drive, travelling, partying, watever. Me..well, i am FROZEN. I am stuck in the limbo that i believe is of my own doing. Why am i where i am now. Have i always wanted to lead or am i just decaying into the background story that has been expected of me. Even now, i am questioning my own identity. Yes that's it, i am facing an identity crisis. Who am i? A son meant to save his family from imminent destruction? An actor, a liar living in everyone else's dream? Or just a pawn in Fate's twisted little schemes?
Well..C'mon man. Out with it. Who the fuck are u? What the fuck are u? Can't even talk to her? Be a man for goodness sakes. Make up your mind. "Take that first step", remember? That's what u promised yourself. Now..what are u gonna do. WHAT are U gonna do......