She waits, unwittingly imagining what could have been. They've been playing the game for too long even before it became serious. Teasing and hinting profusely, oblivious to the world beyond them both. But for every step she took forward, he took one back. And when he was the one who made the move, she only responded with hesitation. "Why?" is the question that rings in her mind.Was the chemistry not right? No, they were a perfect combination. Even her friends thought so. She could easily recall the time when they bickered over something so insignificant in front of Becky, her best girlfriend. "My God! You two argue so much, you sound married!" she said. A smile crept across her face, though only a short-lived one. Why then has their relationship come to such an edge, to a point of ultimatum. Here she is at the bus station awaiting a sign from the heavens. Isn't this how it works? Fate will wait for the last minute until when the bus pulls up for her to leave before he arrives, rescuing with hugs and kisses to a life happily ever after. Just like in the movies...
Seconds seem like hours. Everyone around her moves so slowly, seemingly punishing her for all the sins committed through her life. "It's better this way," that was what he said, before leaving her in tears on her porch swing. How can it be better? Weren't they in love? Or was it a simple infatuation?
The gate opens, female voice speaks, "Attention to all passengers..." She waits, frozen feet rooted, facing the large the large entrance to the station. The last call jerked her from solitude. She couldn't wait any longer, any more. Her steps were slow and unwilling, kept her looking over her shoulder. Eyes red and sore, she could not shed another tear.
As the bus horned into existence and out onto the road, her pale face planted to the glass, still focused, scanning the crowd for an invisible man. "It's better this way," resounded in her thoughts.
Minutes pass before he stands up from his seat. Cap worn low, covering the glitter of sadness in his eyes. With steady strides, he leaves into the night, regret with every step.

Fantastical by M. Rushdy

Just came back from watchin "V for Vendetta". The most appropriate comment for the movie is "WOW!" as my friend effectively repeated several times after coming out of the cinema. The plot was there. The acting was there. The concept was there. Most importantly, I was there.
The plot was outstanding, getting thicker by the moment. The acting , superb. Natalie Portman redeemed herself from Star Wars. And Hugo "Mr. Smith" Weaving also with his cleverly delivered lines and...head movements. How powerful is an idea. The masked man is not after fame. Much more to encourage the strife that is there. The ending was cool. Reminded u of another movie "fight club".
P.s. look out for the last battle. very cheeky of the Wachoski bros to put it at the near end.

To all,

i will be on a 3 week long hiatus. Ok, i can't lie.

I'll b overseas for training. I wish u all a happy new year.

Hope u enjoyed Christmas. Hari Raya Haji and Chinese New Year coming

along quite soon so enjoy the hols. TTFN.

Dear void,
I am truly lost. No. I fear it is something much worse. Lost is when u become diverted from ur ultimate destination. As for me, i don't even know what my destination is, much less divert from it. It seems my destination, as bleak as it is, is tauntingly drifting further away towards oblivion until i, which i believe i undoubtedly will, snap. I keep walking and walking. The question as to where to, i personally do not have an answer. The past few weeks i've spent alone has been painfully reflective. Penetrating my vessel to my very soul. It's been a while since i wrote anything productive. Tonight is a good time to start again. At least before my coming absence in the next fortnight.
Ur master and ur slave,
Rush.

I walk the streets, emptied of human life. It feels like i have been walking forever. The lights from the street lamps seem to be locked in an eternal battle with the enveloping darkness of night. The lyrics to "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" chime in my head like the bell in those ferries that grow irritatingly by the second while blinking 'Please Disembark' on the screen, which i personally believe that they might as well say 'Fuck Off The Boat' instead. The glass doors to the large stores that should open automatically in daylight just stares ignorantly as i passed in their closed state. I laugh at my self proclaimed unworthiness and keep on walking.
It has been 10 years since I started being a psychiatrist. Only I seem to notice the irony of the state I'm in. Me, a so-called mender of wounded souls, can't solve problems of my own. When i told my boss that i can't counsel any more, he just slapped me on the back, told me to suck it up. "Everyone has problems", he says. He's right about that. But now my eyes have been opened. I realise how man can be prone to inflicting pain to ourselves just to inversely gain a minute of self control over one's own mind and destiny. Now that is power. Those who claim holier-than-thou mock us of our 'weakness' but i've seen the truth. They themselves fear the temptation of giving in to the power. The only weak ones here are those who dare not see it as it is. Like what i've been all these years. But now its changed. I see life not in black and white but in full magnificent colour. I am alive.
She tugged at my sleeve, wakin me up to the dark reality. "Daddy, i'm tired of walkin. Let's go," she says. I picked up and sat her on my shoulder, nodding my head. I guess it is time to go. To where there is never an answer.

Blur by

M. Rushdy

Its been nearly 3 weeks since i stepped into my home, for reasons i shall not explain. As strong as i act, the weeks have drained me dry, physically, emotionally. I was again stuck in limbo. Maybe its this time of the year, when i should be spending as much with my family that has made it worst. My family and i are not conventionally close. But we are always there when we need each other. Now i have a week until i have to leave home again for a fortnight How i will survive, i do not know. None the less, in view of the coming celebrations, i wish u all a happy holiday. May u share more special days with ur loved ones. Treasure them bcos u'll never know how long it can last.

To all, it has recently occurred to me that some readers seemed to have read too much into my entries and hence wildly interpreted them into a much more complicated equation than even i can comprehend. Thus, for today, i will write something of which has no underhand meaning whatsoever.
Today dear void i will like to write about what i am grateful to have found out this year. Firstly, i would like to honour Joss Whedon. For whom this name confounds you, he is the creator of the cult series(yes, i am a cult fan of..) "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". Now, he is a great writer. He compounds drama and humour, not forgetting fights, like a pizza buffet. Thanks to reruns courtesy of StarWorld, i am still a fan, struggling to keep up with episodes of the spin-off "Angel" (Damn army). Joss, I salute u.
Secondly, i have again attained a passion for comic books and fantasy novels. Learning how much i have missed these past months have awakened a passion for the art and genre. A deep realisation of how it has evolved into a much utilised social and political front so close to reality itself.
Lastly, for now, i would like to say how much i have missed my friends. Seriously hangin out with asses the whole day makes u treasure so much of what u had. However tryin to muster the same camaraderie seems such a pain to be worth it. Shamelessly i must add that tragedy had to shove its hand in to help me. (Don't u hate phone messages carrying bad news)
Well, dat is all folks, for now at least. It's not the end of the year yet so i may still have some rude awakenings slowly creeping to laugh at me in the face saying," I told u so...."

My mind is a blank. The more i try to reason, the more questions arise. Why are u doing this? Why are u willing to risk everything? What did we do wrong? Why keep it a secret? Or isit a secret? Are u showing off to your friends how a fool u have made us? Is that it? Is this all a joke to u? U go there with your smug face pretending there's nothing. Poisoning my mind with your lies. Worst of all u don't even put an effort to hide. Do u know how much this is hurting me, hurting us? Not being able to do anything.
This is part of your game isn't it? U sit there taunting us. Challenging us to stand up. Knowing well that we can't...we can't...we can't...we just can't...we...I